HOT HOT HOT! You don't wanna miss this...

Alrighty, folks.

So, in the market research study I  conducted by giving my blog post a suggestive and possibly sexual title, my views more than doubled.

Good to know you guys are all dirty minded mofos. 

That's you being shamed.


But you know, if it ain't broke fix it. So I figured I'd try it again today.


GREAT NEWS!!!

I went to the doctor today for my hip--the right one, not the one I fractured before. I know, I'm 90, gimme a break--and he said he doesn't think it's a stress fracture!!! It's not nearly as bad as the other side was by the time I went in. And I've stopped running. So we caught that beeeeootch early. YES.


I was really worried I was gonna get that same chastising finger wag all you sickos just got when I walked in, but my doctor was pretty friggin cool about it. Still got x-rays (which showed nothing, as they usually can't see stress fractures with them) and I'm getting an MRI Saturday night (HOLLA!). Yeah. You might think the cool thing to do on a Saturday night is go hang out at a bar, or go to a friends apartment and play apples to apples, or order three pizzas and a burger and get a pint of ice cream and bake a cake and eat it ALL BY YOURSELF ... ooop...is that just me??? No matter! I am here to clear all of that up for you, because in reality, the cool COOL thing to do is get an MRI. Just trust me on this one.

I mean, I might still do that last one afterwards. Although three pizzas seems a bit excessive, no? eh.

THIS IS MY NEW BEST FRIEND!!!!

Ok. Not ACTUALLY my new best friend, BUT... It's really good.

 This little diddy was a joint effort. Coconut chicken strips with mashed "potatoes" (cauliflower) and sauteed green beans. YUM!!!!

And after a delicious dinner (to the tune of Jim Gaffigan's stand-up, no less. Yeah. We know how to do it up classy here, folks). I made that french toast yumminess for desert!!! A good good night.

Of course it didn't stop me from snacking at 3am. A saltine? why yes, please! Reese's cup?? Well I just might...


But we won't talk about that. What happens at 3 am stays at... uhm... right. Whatever.
Time to focus on tonight's dinner! And how to spice up my evenings so I have more exciting things to report than mustard on my chicken and MRI's! Wish me luck!!

Sexy Photo Shoot!! Look here NOW!!!

Did that title catch your attention? Good! That was my tactic! I won't tell you how many page views there were on my blog from yesterday but let's just say it was pathetic enough that I needed to take desperate action.

There will be sexy pictures. I promise. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I have something really exciting to share...

I HAVE GAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...no. Not THAT kind of gas, you nasty little readers. That precious kind of gas that powers your stove and oven, that allows you to prepare scrumptious meals for yourself!!! We have been without this gas for the last THREE MONTHS in my apartment. Don't even get me started. It's nearly caused me to have an aneurism between the shitty hot plate they gave us in the interim and the strange non-english-speaking man who came to rip through our ceiling once it was discovered (two and a half months in) that the gas leak was actually coming from OUR apartment. But the point is... we have it now!!! Which means tonight was a PARTAYYYYYY

Cue: the sexy photos.

                                                                           BAM

That, my friends, is a delicious stuffed pepper (filled with a Trader Joe's chili Lime Chicken burger which I sauteed with onion and pepper and broke into pieces and a touch of mozzarella on top) and cauliflower rice.

What's that you ask? What is cauliflower rice?? Worry not. I shall tell you!

Chop a head of cauliflower and put it in a blender/food processor (THANKS MOM AND DAD for the amAZEballs food processor for my birthday) with some water. Drain the water and cook in a skillet with a lid on top for abooooouuuut twenty minutes. Try not to let it burn like I did here. Add some lime juice and salt and garlic pepper and ba-da-bing!!! Cauliflower rice!!!

But surely, my dear reader, you didn't think the eating festivities would stop there!! Clearly, you don't know me very well. Here we have some french toast made with Coconut Bread compliments of Julian's Bakery. It's some pretty dern special bread, yo. Better be, since it cost me about 13 bucks a loaf. No grains or sugar in it. I toasted it, dipped it in egg whites, milk, cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice and then cooked it in a skilled primed with coconut oil and topped it with greek yogurt, blackberries and....

Some of my dear, dear friends. PB2 is powdered peanut butter made from dehydrated peanuts and comes in at a whopping 45 calories per 2 tablespoons. Being that I can easily consume and entire jar of Peanut Butter in one sitting aided by nothing but my pointer finger, you can see why this might be somewhat revolutionary to me. The jar on the right is basically the same thing but CHOCOLATE (made with cocoa powder). It tastes like chocolate pudding. No joke. I like to enjoy it like this..

I use a frozen banana as a vehicle to shovel it in my mouth as quickly and violently as possible daintily consume it in moderation.

In other words. GO. RUN. GET THESE PRODUCTS NOW!!! You've already spent too much of your life without them!!! Plus, it's a lot healthier than consuming these all night:

Oops! Where did those come from???



ANYWAY>>>

One other big update! I received this in the mail a few days ago:

In case you don't have magically microscopic eyes let me help you out here. It's my certificate of completion for the online study course I took for group exercise instructing! YES! That's right!! I'm becoming a fitness instructor! And I gotta say, I'm pretty friggin pumped about it. I've been wanting to do this for a couple of years and I could honestly pee myself thinking about how much fun it's gonna be to teach classes, and how much MORE awesome it'll be than watching netflix 8 hours a day at my job now. I take the actual certification workshop and exam on the 15th of this month, so I'll keep you updated as things keep moving forward. But basically you should be preparing for me to storm a gym near you.

Alright, kids. That's all the nasty pornographic photos I have for you tonight. I'll try not to burn my "rice" next time so it looks pretty for you. Adios!!

Christmas Countdown: Day 30

Holy Shit!!!

I know. I'm surprised to find myself here too. Why, you might ask, would I randomly post a blog after not posting any in oh... 6 months or so???

Could it be the creeping pain in my (now, right) hip that's giving me night sweats and sending me back to my doctor this Wednesday morning? ...maybe.

Could it be the absence of a forum on which I can daily post my irritation with the human race and my enthusiasm for all things baked, cheesy, chocolatey and delicious? ...perhaps.

Could it be one or all of these things which I may or may not have consumed recently (AKA: within the past week)?

...ooooh...yeah.... miiiiiiiiiiiiight've been that.

Add to that one or two about a dozen artisan cannoli, some cookies, a piece or two of magnolia cake, some kick ass homemade tortellini, wings, pizza, various spirits...

the list goes on. And on.

SO. Moving forward, I looked at my calender to discover that there are a meager 30 DAYS until Christmas. WTF??!?!!! When the hell did that happen?? Regardless, I have decided to take these precious 30 days to recover from my current state of indulgence so that I can arrive home on Christmas to once again, indulge.

And so the journey begins. I will share with you my perils, my yearnings, my aching hips and various injuries, and my delicious--albeit angelically healthy--meals.

AND WE'RE OFF!!!