Monday, April 30, 2012

Annnnnnnd we're back!

So today is technically Day 3 on crutches, I suppose, and I've already had so many interesting experiences. Yesterday I ventured out into the unknown to get a few things done, but quickly realized that this is not quite as simple as it is when you can walk properly.

First of all, it was a beautiful day outside. One of those days in the city where everyone's dining at outdoor tables, walking their dogs (or their children), jogging in the park, etc.(... on goes the list of things I can't do--well I can dine, of course. THAT I do very well.). So to be hobbling around on my crutches was especially frustrating when what I really wanted to do was leap and bound through the sunshine from task to task.

Secondly, I have been having some very shocking interactions with people when they are faced with my disability (yes, I went there). Some people are extraordinarily kind in a way that I don't feel I deserve and it actually embarrasses me because I know if I were on the other end I'd think "Wow. That must suck!" and then happily trot away feeling thrilled that I was not constrained to the limitations of something as inconvenient as crutches. A young man in the subway helped me up a 2 level escalator that was not operating, even after I repeatedly told him I didn't want help (it was clear I needed it). On the other end of the spectrum, while shopping in Forever 21 (Pause. This was an experience in and of itself. I had to shuffle on one foot while holding my crutches in one and and my purchases in another. When I entered the store, the security guard said, "Now THAT'S dedication." Damn right.) I asked a saleswoman for a bag in which to carry my potential purchases--as I was scooting, fumbling with 27 items in my hand and tripping on anything longer than 6 inches because, since I'm only 4 inches tall, it was dragging on the floor--and she pointed to the other side of the room and said, "Yeah. They're over there,". I stood and stared at her blankly (ok, maybe helplessly is the right word) for a few seconds before she rolled her eyes and, in no particular hurry, trudged over to get me a bag. What a kind and giving woman.

So, in general, I think I'm finding that this is going to be an excellent lesson in empathy. Oh! One MAJOR bonus was that as I was scooting ( I think that's the new equivalent for "walk") through Trader Joe's collecting groceries in my arm, an employee insisted that I be taken to the front of the (endless) line. Uhm...Yes?!

Now, let's take a little vacay from all this cripple talk and touch on one of my other favorite topics: Food.

In fact, let's just all take a moment of silence to visualize and appreciate one of our favorite foods. I say "one of" and not simply "our favorite food" because I know just how difficult and unfair it is to have to choose just one item. Whenever someone asks me what my favorite food is, I tell them it's like asking me to choose my favorite child. So, go ahead. Visualize...

Ok! So yesterday I was on Facebook and I saw a little image of an incredibly scrumptious desert and I obviously clicked on it thinking that would make it burst forth from the screen of my computer and land conveniently on a place in my lap. That did not happen. But what DID happen was somewhat magical. I was taken to a land of beautiful, perfect images of all the most amazing food you could ever imagine. A place I might call heaven. Well I guess that's not true, it's more like hell because you can't actually have any of the things you see. BUT it is amazingly tantalizing and very inspirational. It's called pinterest. Yes, yes I'm fully aware that this is not a new phenomenon, but I am always 10 years behind these trends ( I still don't know what tumbler is...anyone?) and so, to me, this is a revelation. I'm so thrilled by my discovery that I will selflessly share with all of you what I have been enjoying since my discovery last night.

Prepare yourself. If you are near any potentially harmful or dangerous food items which, upon consuming in copious amounts, may cause severe and immediate health problems, you may want to remove these items prior to viewing this link. Or just go ahead and reserve an ambulance.  Your choice.

And with that, I feel I can say no more. I'd love some comments other than my loving mother (love you, mom!!) so feel free to share what you were visualizing during our sacred pause!!
Peace out.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The cranky cripple

Ahhhh!! It's finally happening! I've been meaning to start a blog for about... oh, 2 years or so, so I'm really glad to finally get around to it. I don't know much about doing this kind of thing, so any suggestions and/or comments are welcome and encouraged. I'm basically going to be flying by the seat of my pants, here. So let's begin.

Announcement #1:
There will be a slight change of programming brought to you by my recent femoral neck stress fracture (and for all those stupid people who decided to read this blog even though I clearly stated in the title that I this was my private place to vent about them, that is a fracture in the NECK of my FEMUR, not in my actual neck. How the fuck would you get a stress fracture in your neck? Too much of that head jerking dance move from the SNL skit with Will Ferrell and whatshisname?). Due to this injury, I have been gifted (I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, folks. Humor me) a set of crutches and ordered to partake in NO exercise for 6-8 weeks.


As you can imagine, being that this blog is about my passion for exercise, this is quite a setback for me. However, given that I will now have a tremendous amount of time on my hands, it also seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally take on this project. AND since exercise has always provided me with an outlet for my feelings and frustrations, I could perhaps relieve some of those here instead. And, viola! The blog was created!

So this is day 2 for me on the crutches. I woke up this morning feeling like someone had tried to pull my arms out of their sockets while I was sleeping--a result of poor crutch technique, perhaps? Or Just a result of the crutches, in general. Either way it hurts like a bitch and I'm not exactly thrilled to slap them under my arms and venture out onto the cruel and judgy NYC sidewalks. I'd much rather sit here on my couch, drink my coffee, and bitch. Ahhhhh the life of an irritated cripple.

On a side note, if anyone else has been on crutches before, I'd love any advice you have to make it a less painful experience. I did tape towels to the tops this morning and I'm hoping that helps a little. But more than that, I'm struggling to find solutions for the little things that keep popping into my head. Yesterday I realized that I would not be able to carry (and drink) my coffee while walking to the train. Or carry anything, for that matter. This is a pretty incredible setback. I am definitely guilty of walk-texting, I make most all my phone calls while walking around the city, I carry coffee, anyone who knows me knows I most always have groceries with me, how will I drop off and pick up my laudnry... the list just seemed to go on and on. I have had several interesting suggestions for solutions to some of these problems. My mom recommended getting a cup that would hang around my neck and had a large straw that I could wear while on my crutches. I immediately ran out and purchased one (That is a joke. I'm struggling enough to walk with crutches. The last thing I need is to choke on the straw of a big gulp sippie cup that's banging against my chest with every step--do you still call them steps with crutches?? with every...swing?). Someone else recommended those beer hats with straws that come out of them. Needless to say, I'm going to be drinking coffee either prior to leaving, or once I arrive at my destination. Thanks friends. But no thanks.

Next dilemma: what about when it rains? I can't hold an umbrella. Will the crutches slip? Again, my mom was quick with a solution. Apparently Lou Brock (Cardinal Baseball player--we'll touch on the importance of this team to me and my family at some point) created a product that is some kind of beanie hat attached to a small umbrella that doesn't require you to use your hands. Do I need to tell you what my decision was about the possibility of using this product? Great.

Laundry and groceries. Basically, these duties are going to be assigned to my personal slaves.

So, problems solved! But really, if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with these things, I'm all ears.

This seems like a satisfactory amount of complaining for one day, (or at least one blog. I'll dish out the rest in my personal interactions throughout the day), so I'm going to wrap things up. I have a few errands to run (interesting how that phrase now makes me so sad--errands to swing to??) and I'm sure that will supply me with more than enough material to discuss tomorrow. This is going to be a difficult and interesting journey, and hopefully having this outlet will be helpful.
Until tomorrow!