Monday, November 26, 2012

Sexy Photo Shoot!! Look here NOW!!!

Did that title catch your attention? Good! That was my tactic! I won't tell you how many page views there were on my blog from yesterday but let's just say it was pathetic enough that I needed to take desperate action.

There will be sexy pictures. I promise. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I have something really exciting to share...

I HAVE GAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not THAT kind of gas, you nasty little readers. That precious kind of gas that powers your stove and oven, that allows you to prepare scrumptious meals for yourself!!! We have been without this gas for the last THREE MONTHS in my apartment. Don't even get me started. It's nearly caused me to have an aneurism between the shitty hot plate they gave us in the interim and the strange non-english-speaking man who came to rip through our ceiling once it was discovered (two and a half months in) that the gas leak was actually coming from OUR apartment. But the point is... we have it now!!! Which means tonight was a PARTAYYYYYY

Cue: the sexy photos.


That, my friends, is a delicious stuffed pepper (filled with a Trader Joe's chili Lime Chicken burger which I sauteed with onion and pepper and broke into pieces and a touch of mozzarella on top) and cauliflower rice.

What's that you ask? What is cauliflower rice?? Worry not. I shall tell you!

Chop a head of cauliflower and put it in a blender/food processor (THANKS MOM AND DAD for the amAZEballs food processor for my birthday) with some water. Drain the water and cook in a skillet with a lid on top for abooooouuuut twenty minutes. Try not to let it burn like I did here. Add some lime juice and salt and garlic pepper and ba-da-bing!!! Cauliflower rice!!!

But surely, my dear reader, you didn't think the eating festivities would stop there!! Clearly, you don't know me very well. Here we have some french toast made with Coconut Bread compliments of Julian's Bakery. It's some pretty dern special bread, yo. Better be, since it cost me about 13 bucks a loaf. No grains or sugar in it. I toasted it, dipped it in egg whites, milk, cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice and then cooked it in a skilled primed with coconut oil and topped it with greek yogurt, blackberries and....

Some of my dear, dear friends. PB2 is powdered peanut butter made from dehydrated peanuts and comes in at a whopping 45 calories per 2 tablespoons. Being that I can easily consume and entire jar of Peanut Butter in one sitting aided by nothing but my pointer finger, you can see why this might be somewhat revolutionary to me. The jar on the right is basically the same thing but CHOCOLATE (made with cocoa powder). It tastes like chocolate pudding. No joke. I like to enjoy it like this..

I use a frozen banana as a vehicle to shovel it in my mouth as quickly and violently as possible daintily consume it in moderation.

In other words. GO. RUN. GET THESE PRODUCTS NOW!!! You've already spent too much of your life without them!!! Plus, it's a lot healthier than consuming these all night:

Oops! Where did those come from???


One other big update! I received this in the mail a few days ago:

In case you don't have magically microscopic eyes let me help you out here. It's my certificate of completion for the online study course I took for group exercise instructing! YES! That's right!! I'm becoming a fitness instructor! And I gotta say, I'm pretty friggin pumped about it. I've been wanting to do this for a couple of years and I could honestly pee myself thinking about how much fun it's gonna be to teach classes, and how much MORE awesome it'll be than watching netflix 8 hours a day at my job now. I take the actual certification workshop and exam on the 15th of this month, so I'll keep you updated as things keep moving forward. But basically you should be preparing for me to storm a gym near you.

Alright, kids. That's all the nasty pornographic photos I have for you tonight. I'll try not to burn my "rice" next time so it looks pretty for you. Adios!!

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